This road we travel is not always easy. I know the words I have written
here so far may seem amazing. They are just words, the story of how one little
girl has changed our lives, and in turn how we are helping to change her life. And
when I read back, it seems storybook-like, easy. I have to say this has been one
of the hardest weeks so far. There is a lot to adjust to when someone whom you
care for has two full-leg casts. It hits me deep in. I am torn. There is a
wall. Part of me likes the wall I’ve put up, the one in which I am using to
protect myself. I know we have to hand this little girl back to her loving
parents at the end of this journey. I know how hard that is going to be, we’ve
done it before. She is calling me mommy….and then I have to give her away? We
will see her in brokenness and help her heal….and then say good-bye. That is
why I have the wall. But the wall is getting in the way this week….and I know I
have to tear it down in order to keep on going. I keep hitting that wall, and
each time it hurts a little more. Tears are flowing now as I type this. The
wall is keeping me from full on love and care…..and the saddest part is, I like
the security of that wall. But it isn’t good for me or Mithadeline or the
others in this wonderful family.
Then I come across words so beautifully written, as if they
were written exactly for me, exactly in this moment. Ann Voskamp has a
wonderful way with words. She writes these things (I read them on an email
update called A Holy Experience found here):
“What if plans are better as prayers and what if everything is supposed to happen this way because His Sovereign Hand can make any happening into good?
And what if the harvest of our lives is not in how we earn our bread and butter, but only if we make our lives into bread to give away?
You don’t always end up giving because you love.
Sometimes you end up loving because you give.
How the dying and the giving your life away is always right when a life lights with wings.
Now is always the perfect time to die to self and be broken and given.
And it’s right there out the window.” (Ann Voskamp)
For me, it is this
wall I have erected, letting go of fears, dying to my selfish ways, needing to trust that the Lord will hold us up when all is
said and done. I don’t need a wall, if I have Jesus. I need not worry about how
much tougher things might be in 3 months….but I do need to focus on the now and how I can
lean in on the everlasting arms of my friend Jesus, who is asking begging me
to be carried by him through all of this.
Sometimes you end up loving because
you give.