Heavy weight....

I always knew being a parent carried a tremendous amount of responsibility. But this week, the weight of that responsibility is heavy. We have news to share with our son that we are not sure how he will take. At first glance it seems devastating, crippling against the piles of accomplishments he has achieved in school this year. This news seems to totally defeat all those strides. At the same time, the news takes those strides into account and sees the bigger picture of the future. As his mother, my heart breaks under this weight. Our little boy is not being promoted to 6^th grade and is being asked to repeat 5^th grade.

Sure, there are worse things, many worse things. But my heart is totally breaking over this. We expected it and I kept cool during the meeting, just a few tears in the corner of my eyes once (especially as his teacher showed her emotion over it all). But now, my cheeks are drenched as I consider what his reaction might be like. I keep trying to gauge what it might be and I am at a loss.

You see, this boy is one of the most thoughtful boys I know. He has love in his heart bigger than himself. He is conscientious and caring and sensitive. And I know how hard he worked this year, not only academically against so many learning challenges, but emotionally. He had not sat in a school classroom since kindergarten. He spent the last 4 years at the kitchen table with me. He had to integrate his shy, introverted self into a classroom. He had to make friends, develop peer relationships and overcome tremendous anxiety. And he did just that. It took him more time than most, but he is a deep part of his class and feels comfortable with them. Best of all, he did it with a smile on his face.

That is the hardest part of all of this. It is easy to look at the academic side of this and totally see how much he can benefit from one more year at 5^th grade with his awesome teachers. He has deep learning challenges and made tremendous accomplishments in this year. The teaching staff feels like one more year under his belt at this level will be the push he needs to move on into the later grades and do the tougher work. I have to agree with this; which is what makes it even more difficult. But when you consider how hard he worked to build friendships and relationships and now will be asked to sort of do that all over again, my heart sinks.

But as I sat here typing this, tears streaming, I also was flooded with the sheer amount of resilience that this boy has. He has proven that over and over. And just when we thought we knew how something was going to go or how he would handle it, he proved to us otherwise. I was prepared for headaches and fights and tears trying to get him out the door each morning for school and then again in the evening to make homework a reality. But I was proved wrong. He happily got ready for school, without complaints, every day this school year. He did his homework each night, almost, no questions asked. He read the required amounts of reading each week, willingly. 

These things can be attributed to many things, but I feel mostly to his personality. And secondarily to the school he attends. He is attending a local public charter school in our district. From day one, I felt discouraged about having him attend there. The school is very academic. He has some significant learning delays and I think, honestly the school was wary about that. But we felt like it would be a good fit for him so we pressed on. And his love of reading and joy for school has surely been built by the learning environment in this school. The founders and all the teachers have such a love for learning and collaboration and it has surely carried over into our son. The school is also set up in such a way that it is a fairly normal thing for someone to move up a grade or stay back in a grade more often than in a traditional school. They employ a very individualized plan, meaning you learn at the level that you are on, taking into account that every student learns differently and at their own pace (this is what the school was founded on). The classes (grades) are also not numbered, each grade has a name, so rather than be called 5^th grade, they are known as Elms, or Willows, or Mighty Oaks. 

This is the biggest talking point, really: To think last year at this time, books were his enemies….and now they are a treasured friend. He despised writing because it was extremely difficult for him, but now has found a confidence along the way, instilled by love and dedication his teachers have poured into him (and each student they teach). 

My hope here is that through all of this, that he doesn’t feel like his accomplishments are not adding up or that they are not worth anything because he has to repeat a grade. And I hope he can see that we want nothing but the best for him; because it is only through these accomplishments that we are talking about all of this. We have the summer to keep working on certain skills and a chance for promotion to 6^th grade in the fall.

But as hard as it is, I am embracing this idea. I don’t like it and don’t really want to have it happen, but I want my son to succeed in school and not always feel like he doesn’t measure up. For now, this appears necessary for success. It has taken me several days to get to this point, many thoughts and ideas swirling around in my head and many a tear shed. 

Here’s to hoping he surprises us once again….

love...

I started this blog moons ago with the idea that I would attempt to track our progress in loving crazy. Loving got so crazy that blogging didn't happen.

How can that be. Love is easy. I found love, over the last 2 years, to be harder than I ever thought possible. In fact, it kicked my butt. it took me by surprise. I thought I had been loving well in the last few years of my life and then reality set in and when confronted, love was nothing like I had experienced before. Wait, you say, you've been married for quite a few years and have birthed 3 children. How can you say you've never experienced love? A good portion of the love I have experienced has been one-sided and well, easy. It didn't require much of me besides being present. I didn't outwardly give much, it just happened.

In a sense, I feel like love beat me up, because I let it.

But seeing the big picture has changed my reality. In some ways I wish I could go back. back to try again. To try and love better. But in thinking this, realizing that I never need to go back. I am who I am because of all that has shaped me so far, loving well or not. And to go back changes everything. which is something I do not really want to do.

I believe we are given certain things and get ourselves into certain situations to change us, hopefully for the better. Everything we do is a learning experience.

Take Mith for example. We decided to care for her in the hopes of helping her get to a new place in her life....and have hopes and dreams for a future. We accomplished that. But somewhere along the way, we were shaped and molded and changed. It was not easy and it was not without pain and sacrifice.

I often wonder, what if. What if we didnt take her in? what if we had done more research on her condition? What if we had listened to the cautious voices of friends and family? What if we realized how darn right hard it would be? What if we realized how consumed we would be with her that other things would be neglected? What if we knew loving someone who you had to give back would be so difficult? Where would we be today?

The what if game is not really a good one to play. We live in the now, not the what if. But when I reflect on these what ifs, it causes me to see the goodness in it all.

Perhaps if we had pondered all of these what ifs we would have realized just how intense surgery and recovery and therapy (essentially loving) would have been and we might have backed away. We would have had a glimpse into how hard it would be on our family relationship. We would have missed out on so much joy.

I am torn...

I am torn. I shouldn’t be.

I am lover of country music. I like old country, from the 80s and 90s. I recently pulled out an old CD to play in the car. I can belt out the lyrics with almost every song. I sing it deep from within me. The album I am currently hooked on is an old Randy Travis Greatest Hits album. He is awesome, the epitome of country music. I feel like I am part of the music when I sing along.

That is part of the problem.  Have you ever listened to country music? Some are genuine love ballads, but most of the music is about broken homes, failures, one night stands, and old romances. While I love to sing along to these, the more I do it and the longer I do it, the more I become like the music in my thinking. Doubts start to creep in about the type of person I am, how much I really can love, I could go on. And as much as I love this music, I am going to have to change.

People say and would suggest that music is just that, music. But it seeps into who we are. The more we expose ourselves to this kind of subliminal messaging, the more chance we have to believe it. And I am at the point of wanting something better for my mind and my soul. I am afraid of the influence all of this has on my mind and my heart.

I want to guard my heart for things that are more uplifting and more meaningful to me.

But don’t get me wrong or hear me unclear, it is not ONLY country music. While country is a struggling point for me, there are songs that can leads us down wrong paths in every genre of music.

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We were in the car traveling on Easter weekend and someone in our family likes to listen to the radio on scan….we listen for hours at a time on scan….waiting for the right song to come on. So during the drive, a catchy tune had come on and we stopped. Sarah immediately recognized it. It was a fun sounding song, one that you could enjoy listening to, bop around in your seat….and start singing along with the chorus instantly. So Scott looked up the song and the lyrics. Wow. I couldn’t believe what the song was really about. The song was Timber, by Pitbull. I am sure many teenagers (and adults) have this song on their playlists. Here is a selection of lyrics from the song:

“Let’s make a night you won’t remember. I’ll be the one you won’t forget.”

What exactly is this suggesting, I am sure you can take a guess and the remainder of the song was the same or worse!

What are we becoming dull to? It becomes easier to fall into traps when we are constantly listening to these songs that drag  our minds and our guards down. I was really taken aback by the Pitbull song because it was a really fun catchy song and I liked it, until I knew what I was really listening to. It is the same with the country.

I guess people assume with country that you are going to get dried up romance, divorce, and one night stands…..but the junk and mind games is through every genre.

So what is the message we really want ourselves to have? Or our children? I believe music to be very important. And I am making the choice now to listen to Christain music today…to kind of get my brain, my soul back on track. I’ve been told before, how can you only listen to Christian music? My likes in music have been drastic over the years and there are a lot of groups I still love and songs that get me. I have not had a relationship with Christ my whole life, so there are plenty of bands and songs that I listened to that influenced me in my careless lifestyle, so many years ago. But as a believer, I have a choice to make. I have to make the choice to listen to what inspires me and lifts me up, not music that drags me down.

I will continue to listen to some Randy Travis, but only the tracks off the CD that are about long lasting love…like Forever and Ever Amen and Deeper than the Holler.

It matters what we hear…and to say that we can parse it out and keep the junk separate, we are fooling ourselves.

I would rather find myself in awe of what I am listening to than in despair.