love...

I started this blog moons ago with the idea that I would attempt to track our progress in loving crazy. Loving got so crazy that blogging didn't happen.

How can that be. Love is easy. I found love, over the last 2 years, to be harder than I ever thought possible. In fact, it kicked my butt. it took me by surprise. I thought I had been loving well in the last few years of my life and then reality set in and when confronted, love was nothing like I had experienced before. Wait, you say, you've been married for quite a few years and have birthed 3 children. How can you say you've never experienced love? A good portion of the love I have experienced has been one-sided and well, easy. It didn't require much of me besides being present. I didn't outwardly give much, it just happened.

In a sense, I feel like love beat me up, because I let it.

But seeing the big picture has changed my reality. In some ways I wish I could go back. back to try again. To try and love better. But in thinking this, realizing that I never need to go back. I am who I am because of all that has shaped me so far, loving well or not. And to go back changes everything. which is something I do not really want to do.

I believe we are given certain things and get ourselves into certain situations to change us, hopefully for the better. Everything we do is a learning experience.

Take Mith for example. We decided to care for her in the hopes of helping her get to a new place in her life....and have hopes and dreams for a future. We accomplished that. But somewhere along the way, we were shaped and molded and changed. It was not easy and it was not without pain and sacrifice.

I often wonder, what if. What if we didnt take her in? what if we had done more research on her condition? What if we had listened to the cautious voices of friends and family? What if we realized how darn right hard it would be? What if we realized how consumed we would be with her that other things would be neglected? What if we knew loving someone who you had to give back would be so difficult? Where would we be today?

The what if game is not really a good one to play. We live in the now, not the what if. But when I reflect on these what ifs, it causes me to see the goodness in it all.

Perhaps if we had pondered all of these what ifs we would have realized just how intense surgery and recovery and therapy (essentially loving) would have been and we might have backed away. We would have had a glimpse into how hard it would be on our family relationship. We would have missed out on so much joy.

I am torn...

I am torn. I shouldn’t be.

I am lover of country music. I like old country, from the 80s and 90s. I recently pulled out an old CD to play in the car. I can belt out the lyrics with almost every song. I sing it deep from within me. The album I am currently hooked on is an old Randy Travis Greatest Hits album. He is awesome, the epitome of country music. I feel like I am part of the music when I sing along.

That is part of the problem.  Have you ever listened to country music? Some are genuine love ballads, but most of the music is about broken homes, failures, one night stands, and old romances. While I love to sing along to these, the more I do it and the longer I do it, the more I become like the music in my thinking. Doubts start to creep in about the type of person I am, how much I really can love, I could go on. And as much as I love this music, I am going to have to change.

People say and would suggest that music is just that, music. But it seeps into who we are. The more we expose ourselves to this kind of subliminal messaging, the more chance we have to believe it. And I am at the point of wanting something better for my mind and my soul. I am afraid of the influence all of this has on my mind and my heart.

I want to guard my heart for things that are more uplifting and more meaningful to me.

But don’t get me wrong or hear me unclear, it is not ONLY country music. While country is a struggling point for me, there are songs that can leads us down wrong paths in every genre of music.

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We were in the car traveling on Easter weekend and someone in our family likes to listen to the radio on scan….we listen for hours at a time on scan….waiting for the right song to come on. So during the drive, a catchy tune had come on and we stopped. Sarah immediately recognized it. It was a fun sounding song, one that you could enjoy listening to, bop around in your seat….and start singing along with the chorus instantly. So Scott looked up the song and the lyrics. Wow. I couldn’t believe what the song was really about. The song was Timber, by Pitbull. I am sure many teenagers (and adults) have this song on their playlists. Here is a selection of lyrics from the song:

“Let’s make a night you won’t remember. I’ll be the one you won’t forget.”

What exactly is this suggesting, I am sure you can take a guess and the remainder of the song was the same or worse!

What are we becoming dull to? It becomes easier to fall into traps when we are constantly listening to these songs that drag  our minds and our guards down. I was really taken aback by the Pitbull song because it was a really fun catchy song and I liked it, until I knew what I was really listening to. It is the same with the country.

I guess people assume with country that you are going to get dried up romance, divorce, and one night stands…..but the junk and mind games is through every genre.

So what is the message we really want ourselves to have? Or our children? I believe music to be very important. And I am making the choice now to listen to Christain music today…to kind of get my brain, my soul back on track. I’ve been told before, how can you only listen to Christian music? My likes in music have been drastic over the years and there are a lot of groups I still love and songs that get me. I have not had a relationship with Christ my whole life, so there are plenty of bands and songs that I listened to that influenced me in my careless lifestyle, so many years ago. But as a believer, I have a choice to make. I have to make the choice to listen to what inspires me and lifts me up, not music that drags me down.

I will continue to listen to some Randy Travis, but only the tracks off the CD that are about long lasting love…like Forever and Ever Amen and Deeper than the Holler.

It matters what we hear…and to say that we can parse it out and keep the junk separate, we are fooling ourselves.

I would rather find myself in awe of what I am listening to than in despair.