Daily Practice

Some of my posts here will be backstory of where I've been over the last several years and the very recent months and some of the posts will be real-time stories of what I am experiencing as a learn to regulate my nervous system and exist in a space of safety. Writing helps me remember and it helps me connect the dots in my life.

This is so powerful and true. When I saw this pass by me in a recent facebook post, I knew I had to save it. This is exactly the kind of change I am making in my life with my kids.

I had an opportunity to practice what this quote speaks of tonight at bath time.

The quote says, "It's not the volume of your voice, the force of your will or the pain of your punishments, but the STRENGTH OF YOUR CONNECTION that creates real behavioral change."

Lillie happily agreed to get a bath, but as usual when it came time for her hair to be washed she started putting up her wall.

My day was already filled with challenge. I also know that I am easily triggered in these kinds of situations. It would be up to me how the next 20 minutes would go for both of us. 

I had a decision to make. I could internalize her emotion and anger and react in a similar state to what she was showing me, with yelling and frustration. Or I could pause and lean in and respond from a place of compassion and safety.

What do I know? 

Lillie struggles with getting her hair washed. She has an aversion of some kind to getting her hair washed since we end up in a power struggle almost every time. So it makes sense that she’s erecting her defenses when I suggest washing her hair. It’s my job to firstly get myself to a place of calm and then calm her down so we can get through. 

This is a big step. We often think our kids should know better or act how we expect. If we are truthful and honest, we can see why their reaction makes sense. Going in from a place of curiosity changes the format.

I set a firm boundary/expectation without yelling.

I lean in to what I know motivates her (she likes to race and she likes when I act silly). I truly connected with her. I asked her to wet her own hair while I counted down from 10 with my eyes closed making silly movements and sounds with each number. She giggled at me and I could hear the water splashing around. She wanted to be completed by the time I got to zero (this is a play on Mel Robbins 5-4-3-2-1 rule). We continued in this manner until we got the task accomplished. She trusted me.

And we accomplished the task without a meltdown for either one of us.

Do I always have the space to respond in this way? Of course not. 

But the work I’m doing on learning to regulate my own nervous system plays a huge part in this practice.

That is it, it’s daily practice.

A Journey

I began a journey in May. 

Actually, it started long before that. 

I’ve avoided the pain- I mean I’ve tried to avoid pain. I've run from it and stuffed it in the hopes of just surviving. Turns out, just surviving is not that great of a life.

This journey so far has turned out to be everything I didn’t know I needed.

Like most, I was avoiding the hard stuff and dodging obstacle after obstacle. I didn't know it at the time, but I was stuck in what is considered a disregulated nervous system in a dorsal vagal state, similar to a deep depression. Essentially, I saw the world through a bleak set of eyes. I was coasting from one low point to another, under the facade of having it all together.

This probably sounds familiar to you.

The people closest to me had no idea my life was dark and my self-esteem so low. I projected a happy smile and faked it really well.

I avoided calling my childhood traumatic for most of my adult life because I was afraid of what that meant, but I knew something there was playing a part. I was used to living my life in deference to others, a people pleaser.

I started to notice some light begin to enter my system when I began a health program and started changing some of my habits. I was finding success in losing weight (100 lbs!) and my confidence was emerging. I was digging in and learning so many new things. But I soon came back to some really hard places. Life was still dim, my marriage was incredibly hard, and stuck is the best way to describe it.

Everything came to a screeching halt when divorce became a reality earlier this year. I could no longer sweep the pain under the rug. There was now a glowing light on my 'stuck-ness'.

My divorce triggered the pain in such a way that I couldn’t stuff it any more. I was finding myself angry and bitter and resentful. A large part of me did not want to live in this place of victimhood and resentment, but I felt powerless to stop the feelings.

The advice I was receiving was to be sure to take the time to feel my feelings.

Feel my feelings?!?!

I stuffed my feelings for so much of my life, my system was completely overloaded by the feelings that were coming up. Those feelings just seemed to create so much more unnecessary pain in what was an already painful situation.

The work I had done on my health journey up to this point help me realize that divorce was something that would be happening for me, not something that was happening to me. But I was really unsure how to move from the 'to me' to the 'for me' part. Again, I found myself stuck.

The next few blog posts will tell the story of how I am becoming unstuck (yes, I said becoming, because it is a lifelong journey) and then I will use this space to tell my story as I continue on my journey. I do not know what the future holds for me, but I know the coolest part will be the imprint I leave on all the people around me.