Search me....

It is certainly foolish of me to think that if I believe with my heart and ask God to search my heart and test my ways and lead me in an everlasting way, it is foolish to believe that I wouldn't feel anything. That wounds would not be opened up. That I would not be drawn closer to a right relationship with Him.

Psalm 139:23-24:
Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
 See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.

 Verse 24, See if there is any offensive way in me. Any evil thought. Any wicked way. Any unhealthy habits. If these offensive ways exist, remove them. Take them from me. Purify me. Cleanse me. 

When I read or sing these verses, I am asking for my heart to be examined. I am prayerfully asking the Lord to check me out, test me. Show me the wicked I have trapped inside. Make it glaring. I never realized before now how that might leave me feeling. What happens when you air your dirty laundry?

So, if I thought this would be an easy task, I have been mistaken. But often times I have quoted these verses or sang the song and was just going through the motions. These last few days it has been real.

When I was brought to a low point through stressful situations, I prayed this prayer and God showed me. In my lowest point, did I really need to have my wicked ways thrown in my face? Not in my thought process, but if I am consumed by my own thoughts, I am not on a right path of relationship with the Lord. I was asking for help, beckoning for my Savior to drag me from the pit. And not only show me the wickedness, but to bring me to a new place of recognition of who I am and what I have been created for. When I am consumed by anxiousness or grief or jealousy, I am not a useable vessel. I want to be able to filled and used for God's purposes.

The Bridge Band has an awesome song (click here to go to the song) with the verses quoted above as the chorus. The words, apart from the chorus go like this:

I don't wanna hide anymore from Your voice
I don't wanna run anymore from Your words
I don't wanna bow anymore to these gods
I don't wanna worship anymore of these things

I don't wanna chase anymore of these dreams
Don't wanna walk away anymore from your love
I don't wanna live anymore for this world
Don't wanna find my strength anymore in myself

I don't wanna spill anymore of Your blood
Don't wanna be ashamed anymore of Your name
I just wanna lay all my crowns at Your feet

Go back and reread those verses...Don't wanna find my strength anymore in myself. Ouch. I have been living for me. Time for a change. I just want to lay all my crowns at your feet.

search me - oh God and know my heart
test me - and know my anxious thoughts
see me - if there is any offensive way in me
lead me - in the way everlasting

Psalm 23....

Pain is inevitable in this life, but misery is optional. This is so true, but why is misery so inviting? It really shouldn't be, but the path to misery seems illuminated sometimes, calling my name.

I was spurred back in September to memorize a portion of scripture. I was memorizing it to teach it to the children at church. We were going to spend a month memorizing scripture with added motions for help in remembering. When I had decided to do some scripture memory with them, I started on a search for what to memorize. I seemed to come quickly to a video on you tube of someone saying Psalm 23 with motions. It seemed basic enough and straightforward. So I watched the video a few times, printed out the words and worked on it. What I did not realize at the time was that I did not just happen upon these verses as the ones to memorize and teach. I believe God had purposefully directed me towards these specific words as I would be needing them bound up in my own heart in the coming weeks. The children and I did work through the entirety of Psalm 23.

I was brought back to Psalm 23 this evening as I dealt with some personal emotional issues, of course, spurred on by my own doing. I realized about a day ago that Mithadeline was going to have some severe emotional trauma in adjusting to this large contraption on her leg. And it seemed fitting for her, it seemed appropriate that she need to go through that. What I did not expect was to be in such severe emotional trauma myself. As an adult and caregiver, I just suspected I would be able to cope with the majority of what we would be going through in the days ahead of us. I had such a sense of calmness and peace going into the procedure. And I know exactly where that calmness and peace came from.

But like David, like a lost sheep, I wandered off. I turned my back. I carried my load on my own shoulders and I got lost. I was bleating in the darkness-- wanting to be rescued, but something about that darkness felt miserably comfortable, so I wallowed in it. And the darker it got and farther away I got, I realized I was in desperate need of saving, of being rescued, restored. That is when the words of Psalm 23 came to my mind (see God purposefully had me remember them back in September, for such a time as this). David prayed this prayer out to the Lord because he was like a lost sheep also. He understood in great depth, being a shepherd himself, the desperation and the need of the sheep and the compassionate and gentle love of the shepherd for his flock.

This is a reminder to me that I do need to lie down in the green pasture, to rest in the One who can restore my soul. Not wander away, and keep wandering. And I realize through it all that ultimately, even in these darkest of times, it is the restoration and the cleansing that allows me to see fully the grace and mercy and love that God has bestowed upon us, as His people.

My prayers now are to see each moment in my days ahead as a glimpse into the eyes of God. As I do mundane and hard tasks, I am not doing them for my own personal gain, but for the glory of the Father. He is my portion and if I allow it, He can fill me up so completely. It is a choice...choose pain and misery or choose the path of grace and mercy and healing.

If you desire to memorize Pslam 23, the video I used can be found here.

¹ The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside still waters,
³     he restores my soul.
He leads me along paths of righteousness
    for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and mercy will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

 

Ilizarov.....

Ilizarov. A big word that packs a big punch. Right to the gut. It is tough to look at post-surgery. Thankful for lots of blankets on the bed, to cover it up....

Mithadeline has an Ilizarov frame on her leg, which is being used to stretch her 90 degree contracture out straight. If you're curious, google ilizarov, but not if you are faint of heart.

I sit here wondering exactly how we got signed up for this. It was a nudge from above that started all of this. And of course our hearts for children around the world suffering, in one way or another. Haiti is near and dear to our hearts, because pieces of our hearts have returned to Haiti, to live long and full lives within the children we have hosted.

In our past hosting experiences, the drama was not as great, but the intensity of the illness might have been worse actually. Mithadeline would live without this surgery. She was capable of living in her deformed body. The other girls, both with heart defects, they likely would have become very sick and faced possible death without their heart procedures. But something about a fix on the inside seems a little less intense because of the way we are focused so much on outward appearance. We could not see the damaged heart, or see the scar from the repaired hole; but the seriousness of their situation, whether you could see it or not was very real. In Mithadeline's case, her fix is hard on the eyes. You cannot look at her and not see it. It jumps out at you, especially now.


Isn't that just how we are? We all have flaws. Some are internal, hiding deep where no one can see them. Emotional pain that we keep secret. We can appear normal on the outside, but have cuts and scars deep within. And sometimes our flaws are very visible, like the Ilizarov frame, they jump out at you, catching everyone's attention.

But the way in which we deal with our flaws and our hurts is what makes the difference. We can live with them, evading reality, but we put ourselves in danger when we do not seek help. Sometimes we limp around for years, which in the long run, only causes more pain.

Jeremiah 30:17.
For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the LORD; because they called thee an Outcast, saying, this is Zion, whom no man seeketh after.

God seeks us passionately, wanting us to turn to Him to restore us and heal our wounds, inside and out.