Over and I over I find that my children challenge the depths of my personal struggles. At my age, you'd think if be completely go with the flow. I guess the problem is that I am, except when I'm not. Here's the thing, I struggle deeply with change. I like things I can count on. Things that work out the way I've planned for them to work out. I realize this is where I need work in my character but I guess I didn't think it would constantly come from my two year old. She defeats me.
The fact that her two year old self is so unpredictable gets me every day. Will she nap? Who knows. If she naps good, she won't go to bed nicely, and if she doesn't nap, she is a force to be reckoned with. I can't seem to find the balance of go with the flow with her.
So of course she napped nicely yesterday. Which meant I should have expected her unpredictability at bedtime. However, I didn't. I announced bed time downstairs and her immediate reaction told me she was not going to go easily. But I pressed on. Pick something from downstairs to sleep with (soon she won't fit in her bed anymore). March up the steps. Do bathroom stuff. Say goodnight. Change diaper. Turn off the light. She usually flips the switch and she refused with a loud and resounding, "no map, no bed." I pressed on. Turned out the light myself and attempted to lay her down. I said all of our special good night things and left the room. She wailed. Yelled for me. Flopped around. Screamed at the top of her lungs. I took a few minutes to clear off our bed and put clothes away while she yelled for me and screamed.
At this point I'm frustrated with myself for letting it get to this point. I know I have to go in and get her. If I'm honest with myself I know she genuinely isn't tired at the moment and I just want her to fit into my cookie cutter routine. So I head to her bedroom, lift her out of the crib and set her on the floor. I'm over her personality at this point. I vow in my mind that she is not going to get a show on tv as a reward for her awesome behavior. I walk out of the room and she follows me like a little duck. I carry her downstairs and plop her down at the foot of the steps. I put her dirty diaper away and grab her basket of clothes and clean diapers to fold. She follows me. I start folding while telling Scott how frustrated I am and how these certain expectations of mine keeping derailing me. I lament, why can't I just go with the flow. I should have just not taken her up for bed and let her play it out. But I can't go back.
She is kneeling beside me trying to get my attention and I just want to ignore her. She is persistent. She asks to help fold the diapers. She picks one up and says, "me fold diaper?" "Me fold diaper, mommy" I oblige her and tell her to fold it in half. Fold the diaper in half and show her what I mean. She sat next to me taking diaper and insert and cover and folding them in half and stacking them in a wobbly pile. All while chatting with me, "fold half." "Me fold half." I really just wanted to fold the diapers in silence, by myself. But here she is, "fold half, me fold half." I'm folding clothes and she is stacking diapers folded in half. A smile starts to come and I catch Scott's eyes. She is charming. My attitude starts to soften. "Fold half." "Me fold half diaper, mama." We continue until the diapers are 'folded' and stacked back in the basket. She still wasn't ready for bed. She played cars with daddy for a while and then cooked up some eggs on her little stove and an hour and a half past the first 'it's time for bed' announcement she went up the stairs, ready for bed. I smiled as I walked out of her room.
I wish I could start to see the bigger picture before I exhaust myself trying to make things go as planned. You'd think since she is child number 4 I'd have it all figured out. But that's just it, I do have it all figured out but most of the time it isn't about me. Each day, even at my age, I'm learning to go with the flow better and my two year old is taking the lead on teaching me.