Some of my posts here will be backstory of where I've been over the last several years and the very recent months and some of the posts will be real-time stories of what I am experiencing as a learn to regulate my nervous system and exist in a space of safety. Writing helps me remember and it helps me connect the dots in my life.
This is so
powerful and true. When I saw this pass by me in a recent facebook post, I knew
I had to save it. This is exactly the kind of change I am making in my life
with my kids.
I had an
opportunity to practice what this quote speaks of tonight at bath time.
The quote says, "It's not the volume of your voice, the force of your will or the pain of your punishments, but the STRENGTH OF YOUR CONNECTION that creates real behavioral change."
Lillie happily agreed to get a bath, but as usual when it came time for her hair to be washed she started putting up her wall.
My day was already filled with challenge. I also know that I am easily triggered in these kinds of situations. It would be up to me how the next 20 minutes would go for both of us.
I had a decision to make. I could internalize her emotion and anger and react in a similar state to what she was showing me, with yelling and frustration. Or I could pause and lean in and respond from a place of compassion and safety.
What do I know?
Lillie struggles with getting her hair washed. She has an aversion of some kind to getting her hair washed since we end up in a power struggle almost every time. So it makes sense that she’s erecting her defenses when I suggest washing her hair. It’s my job to firstly get myself to a place of calm and then calm her down so we can get through.
This is a big step. We often think our kids should know better or act how we expect. If we are truthful and honest, we can see why their reaction makes sense. Going in from a place of curiosity changes the format.
I set a firm boundary/expectation without yelling.
I lean in to what I know motivates her (she likes to race and she likes when I act silly). I truly connected with her. I asked her to wet her own hair while I counted down from 10 with my eyes closed making silly movements and sounds with each number. She giggled at me and I could hear the water splashing around. She wanted to be completed by the time I got to zero (this is a play on Mel Robbins 5-4-3-2-1 rule). We continued in this manner until we got the task accomplished. She trusted me.
And we accomplished the task without a meltdown for either one of us.
Do I always have the space to respond in this way? Of course not.
But the work I’m doing on learning to regulate my own nervous system plays a huge part in this practice.
That is it, it’s daily practice.