I started this blog moons ago with the idea that I would attempt to track our progress in loving crazy. Loving got so crazy that blogging didn't happen.
How can that be. Love is easy. I found love, over the last 2 years, to be harder than I ever thought possible. In fact, it kicked my butt. it took me by surprise. I thought I had been loving well in the last few years of my life and then reality set in and when confronted, love was nothing like I had experienced before. Wait, you say, you've been married for quite a few years and have birthed 3 children. How can you say you've never experienced love? A good portion of the love I have experienced has been one-sided and well, easy. It didn't require much of me besides being present. I didn't outwardly give much, it just happened.
In a sense, I feel like love beat me up, because I let it.
But seeing the big picture has changed my reality. In some ways I wish I could go back. back to try again. To try and love better. But in thinking this, realizing that I never need to go back. I am who I am because of all that has shaped me so far, loving well or not. And to go back changes everything. which is something I do not really want to do.
I believe we are given certain things and get ourselves into certain situations to change us, hopefully for the better. Everything we do is a learning experience.
Take Mith for example. We decided to care for her in the hopes of helping her get to a new place in her life....and have hopes and dreams for a future. We accomplished that. But somewhere along the way, we were shaped and molded and changed. It was not easy and it was not without pain and sacrifice.
I often wonder, what if. What if we didnt take her in? what if we had done more research on her condition? What if we had listened to the cautious voices of friends and family? What if we realized how darn right hard it would be? What if we realized how consumed we would be with her that other things would be neglected? What if we knew loving someone who you had to give back would be so difficult? Where would we be today?
The what if game is not really a good one to play. We live in the now, not the what if. But when I reflect on these what ifs, it causes me to see the goodness in it all.
Perhaps if we had pondered all of these what ifs we would have realized just how intense surgery and recovery and therapy (essentially loving) would have been and we might have backed away. We would have had a glimpse into how hard it would be on our family relationship. We would have missed out on so much joy.