I began a journey in May.
Actually, it started long before that.
I’ve avoided the pain- I mean I’ve tried to avoid pain. I've run from it and stuffed it in the hopes of just surviving. Turns out, just surviving is not that great of a life.
This journey so far has turned out to be everything I didn’t know I needed.
Like most, I was avoiding the hard stuff and dodging obstacle after obstacle. I didn't know it at the time, but I was stuck in what is considered a disregulated nervous system in a dorsal vagal state, similar to a deep depression. Essentially, I saw the world through a bleak set of eyes. I was coasting from one low point to another, under the facade of having it all together.
This probably sounds familiar to you.
The people closest to me had no idea my life was dark and my self-esteem so low. I projected a happy smile and faked it really well.
I avoided calling my childhood traumatic for most of my adult life because I was afraid of what that meant, but I knew something there was playing a part. I was used to living my life in deference to others, a people pleaser.
I started to notice some light begin to enter my system when I began a health program and started changing some of my habits. I was finding success in losing weight (100 lbs!) and my confidence was emerging. I was digging in and learning so many new things. But I soon came back to some really hard places. Life was still dim, my marriage was incredibly hard, and stuck is the best way to describe it.
Everything came to a screeching halt when divorce became a reality earlier this year. I could no longer sweep the pain under the rug. There was now a glowing light on my 'stuck-ness'.
My divorce triggered the pain in such a way that I couldn’t stuff it any more. I was finding myself angry and bitter and resentful. A large part of me did not want to live in this place of victimhood and resentment, but I felt powerless to stop the feelings.
The advice I was receiving was to be sure to take the time to feel my feelings.
Feel my feelings?!?!
I stuffed my feelings for so much of my life, my system was completely overloaded by the feelings that were coming up. Those feelings just seemed to create so much more unnecessary pain in what was an already painful situation.
The work I had done on my health journey up to this point help me realize that divorce was something that would be happening for me, not something that was happening to me. But I was really unsure how to move from the 'to me' to the 'for me' part. Again, I found myself stuck.
The next few blog posts will tell the story of how I am becoming unstuck (yes, I said becoming, because it is a lifelong journey) and then I will use this space to tell my story as I continue on my journey. I do not know what the future holds for me, but I know the coolest part will be the imprint I leave on all the people around me.